Secrets

Yesterday I told my husband that I thought that as I was getting older I was handling stress differently.  Before stress was a feeling, now it's physical.  I feel it in my stomach immediately and I hate it. 

This was a very tough weekend.  If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young.  I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did.  It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting.  He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother.  I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget.  So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again.  Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was.  He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be.  We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him.  I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out.  He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age.  We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.

Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.

I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle.  He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but  I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there.  I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later.  So...okay...I guess.  The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law.  We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course.  For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf.  It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant.  He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.

Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :(  I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart.  I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him.  Truth is I have no idea.  And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after.  I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off.  I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways.  I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.

Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word.  We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not.  If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point?  I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.

I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that.  It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever.  I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.

I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that.  But other than that this was an awful weekend :( 

Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.