One of the biggest things is...I was raped when I was a young child by an older student in the small town where I grew up. It was summertime and all my older siblings were away at camp, I was too young to go. My mom let me go to the park by myself and one of the older students talked me into going to the high school cause he said I should see something that happened there. I was dumb...but young, I didn't know, so I went with him. He took me into the bushes and said this was the older students fort and he tried to convince me to let him do things to me, I tried to fight, I screamed and screamed and it didn't matter. It in the middle of the afternoon on a sleepy summer day and no one heard. I still wonder about that...how come no one heard me? Anyway...I don't remember every moment, I think I have blocked a lot of it. But I remember thinking he wouldn't be able to do anything because I had gotten this double belt from my cousin and he wouldn't be able to get it off me...wrong. I remember seeing his penis...I want to cry now, I won't ever get that picture out of my head. So he raped me. And then he let me go and I walked home. My mom was there when I got there and I must have stopped crying by the time I stepped in the door, but she was standing there when I came in, she looked at me and somehow didn't know anything was wrong. I just went downstairs to my room and she had no idea. So that bothers me too...how could she not know? She was my mother. Anyway, I don't remember the rest of the weekend. Or a lot about my childhood actually.
So this person went to school with my older siblings. He lived in the same town as me for many years. I told some of my sisters but I never told any adults so nothing ever happened. I feel a lot of guilt about that...what are the chances that I was the only one he hurt? But that was over 30 years ago...it's hard to imagine putting it out there now.
So...he's affected my whole life. Sex is just sex to me...it's not fun for me ever. I can enjoy it, but it's a serious thing to me and not playful. And I can't get to the point where I am willing to do it very often. That of course makes life difficult for my husband but...I can't pretend when it comes to that, I just can't.
Things that make it hard to put what happened behind me:
- My parents still live in the same small town, as does my brother. There have been occasions when I have gone home to visit and he has been there. Or my brother has talked about having a drink with him in the bar. Awesome.
- He lives in the same city as me.
- He curls in the same curling rink as my sister (and I almost did too, not knowing he was there, good thing I dislocated my shoulder last winter and didn't find that out the hard way)
- He is a cousin of one of my other brother's wife so there have been occasions when I didn't know if we might both end up at the same family function.
- This brother and sister-in-law of mine have no idea what happened. So every time my brother comes to town he golfs with his wife's brother and this cousin. One time he asked my husband to go with them and he was going to go, it wasn't until the last minute that I learned who the 4th person would be. We came that close to my husband spending a whole afternoon golfing with my rapist.
- He doesn't have too common a name but recently one of my sister's extended family named a baby the same name, so now I get to randomly here that name and it catches me off guard every time. I can't say it...maybe I can type it...darius...I don't capitalize the names of people I don't believe deserve it.
- Last summer he was at my house. AT MY HOUSE. My brother was staying with me and was going golfing, I didn't realize when he got picked up at my house that he would be with them. I stood looking out my front window and saw a guy get out of the truck to let my brother in. I couldn't breathe. My husband asked me who it was and I said "take one guess"...I can't handle that he was right outside my house, that I had to see him after so many years of not. If you hurt me like that and I let you get away with it, don't you at least do me the courtesy of STAYING THE FUCK OUT OF MY LIFE? Seriously.
- I really want to tell my brother what this guy did to me, I've tried a few times and I start shaking so bad I can hardly speak. I did tell him that my husband and I can't ever golf with him, he asked why and I just said it was something bad from years ago, he asked if we dated...uh no...not even close. I'm scared to tell him, I really am.
One of the saddest days of my life was when my niece, one of my most favorite people in the whole world, told me how she had been sexually abused by a friend of the family when she was a child. I already knew what it was like to deal with something like that, I couldn't stand that she had to deal with it too. But she is one of the strongest people I know and although she fights her own battle with weight, I know she will win and she will be healthy. It's her destiny. And it's mine too...but no one ever tells you that destiny sometimes takes a really long time and a needs a really long battle to get here.
My parents had 14 kids, I now have 30 nieces/nephews and they have 11 children...what are the chances her and I are the only two in the family dealing with something like this? Let's don't think about it.
One day at a time.
