Why Now?

That's a big question, one that I have been asked a few times.  People who know me know that I have struggled with my weight my whole life, probably since I was about 12 or 13 years old.  So after struggling for 28 years or so...why was I now able to lose as much weight as I have?  That's a good question.  

I have thought about it a lot, starting last September when I told my brother that I lost 90 lbs and he asked me, why now?  At that time I said I thought it was because I turned 40 and decided enough was enough.  I wanted to be 40 and fabulous, not 40 and fat.  But while that was my answer at the time, I couldn't stop thinking about the question because it's not like I hadn't had many other "enough is enough" moments in my life over the last 28 years.   So what was it really?  I feel like it's important for me to know the answer otherwise I may not finish what I have started or I may end up back where I was.  But it's not a simple answer, I think it's a few things combined that somehow just made it all work.

I've lost weight before, over 50 lbs at one point, that was when I was on Weight Watchers.  And at that time I felt good, thought I was on the right track, finally.  But that was quite a few years ago and I gained all that back.  I did start losing weight again using Weight Watchers but it was hard and slow.  It wasn't quite "right".

I did mean what I said about turning 40, that definitely played a role in my motivation.  I did NOT want to be 40, that's old!  I already felt older than my years all through my 20s and 30s, it was only going to get worse when I turned 40.  But there I was at work, surrounded by people older than me who were healthy and happy, regardless of their age.  I wanted that to be me.  I knew if I could do that then I could handle being 40.  So that was part of it.

After much thought though, I think two of the other biggest things that have made this work came from one very important person in my life.  Ayla.  I don't think either one of us knew what that was going to mean for me, but there was two things that she was doing that she talked me into doing and I truly believe that neither one of us knew exactly how much those two things would help me, help motivate me, help EDUCATE me.  

The first thing was telling me about the My Fitness Pal website.  At first I registered and looked around, but I felt like I was starting over and I didn't stick with it.  It wasn't until months later when I went back and took another look at it that I finally stuck with it.  And very quickly I felt like I knew more about what I was eating than I ever did.  Weight Watchers is good in ways, it does help you know your limits in how much you should eat, but by putting everything into points, it takes away the rest of the information about the food.  One of the very first things I discovered was that while I was easily staying within my points limits on WW, I was eating more than twice the daily salt I should have been, that was shocking to me.  I was easily able to manage that by simply switching from eating extra lean ham to eating lean turkey.  But WW was never going to show me that.  That was the beginning with MFP and I have loved it ever since.  It's not just the calories, fat, fibre, sugar, protein or whatever, it's ALL of it.  MFP showed me that.  I feel educated about food and about what I am fueling my body with.

The second thing was Ayla kept telling me about her heart rate monitor she was using.  One day I finally decided I needed to get one, so my husband went to a couple of different places for me and finally got me the same one Ayla had.  That was the second half of me being educated.  So MFP helps me track what calories I put into my body and the HRM tells me what I am burning.  How could I possibly go wrong?  I have all of the information now.  I can't lie to myself about what I am eating because I know.  So when I eat something not good for me, it's done knowingly and with thought, because I can't pretend anymore.  And I do still eat things that aren't good for me, but I plan for them and they are the exception, not the rule.  And suddenly you can be losing weight, being healthier and still eating all the things you want.  Because when you truly get your mind wrapped around what it means to be good to your body, then you don't want the crap as much as you used to.  That's how it has worked for me anyway.  When you really know what it takes to burn 500 calories, then the last thing you want to do is to eat 500 calories in some small thing loaded with them and you can eat in just a few bites.  Yeah, it tastes good for a minute or two, but then you are done and now what?  Are you still happy?  Are you helping yourself be healthy?  Are you being a good role model for those around you?  ARE YOU MAKING YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?  That's a big one for me.  We might have things we want to prove to other people, but at the end of the day, are you proud of yourself and the choices you made?  Often when I am out walking I feel proud.  The weather might be crappy or my legs might already be sore, but I am out there doing what I need to do to take care of my body.  I love to eat.  So I need to burn calories so I can not feel like I am starving myself and still be losing weight at a healthy level.  And walking is so EASY.  You just go.  I am lucky, I love walking outside, I often tell myself that I have a membership to the outdoors now, lol.

And that brings me to the final thing that I think has made the difference for me.  Through all of these years, how on earth could I forget how much I loved walking outside?  As a child living an unhappy childhood in a small town, that was my escape.  I would put in my walkman and just walk to fast music all around town.  Even when I moved to the city, I still walked.  I didn't have my own transportation so when I was in University I walked to and from when I could.  Back then I wasn't even trying to lose weight but I was and I didn't know it.  A stranger came up to me months later and said she didn't know me but always saw me on campus and wanted to tell me that I looked great.  It was a shock, I had no idea.  That was from walking.  And then I met my husband.  He doesn't walk anywhere, has really no desire to.  I get it, it's my fault, I let him change me.  But he did change me.  That's where the walking disappeared.  It took me a lot of years, but I finally have it back and I will never let it go again.  NEVER.  That will save me.  

There's no going back now.  I know too much.  There may have been many reasons through the years that I ate myself into being 335 lbs (or higher, who knows) but none of that matters now.  Because I will always have life struggles, but I can handle them much better as a healthy person.  

So Ayla, truly, from the bottom of my healthier heart, thank you.  You didn't know, but you saved me.  That's why I have to do whatever I can to help you.  And I will.  The only thing that will make me happier than losing weight has will be you doing the same thing and getting to feel all of the things I am feeling.  Plus...you moved far away from me because you wanted a healthier lifestyle for your family, so you damn well better start living one or move back here to be closer to me, lol.

I know my journey isn't over yet.  I still have a lot of work to do, still have about 58 lbs to lose, but man, that sounds like peanuts compared to the 185 lbs I started with needing to lose.  And golfing season will start soon...there is absolutely no better walking than walking an 18 hole golf course, no matter what my score is, lol.

I am super proud of myself for still managing to walk almost all the way through this cold Saskatchewan winter, but I did it and it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it could be.  There is a whole community of people out there doing it and I love feeling like I am part of it.  A man introduced himself to me on the path I walk downtown at lunch everyday and that made me so happy, I am meeting other people who are crazy enough to be out there on the path in -30 temperatures and it feels great.  I might be crazy but I am not alone, lol.  So I also thank Fred for introducing himself to me and making me feel like I am a part of something bigger.

I am excited that spring isn't too far off, then summer and fall.  So much great walking weather.  But now I know that the weather doesn't matter, I can walk all damn year, even in Saskatchewan!  So bring it on, I'm ready!

L.

Progress Pictures

Well, finally for your viewing pleasure (because it certainly isn't mine!) I have posted a bunch of pictures of myself.  I guess it was a good thing to sit and look back over the pictures, man, the older ones are atrocious.  There's really no other word.

I'm still doing well.  Today I walked/ran in the CIBC Run for the Cure 5K, it was a great experience.

I have noticed a few things making me happy these days :) like:

- my puppy fits on my lap
- I went shopping and had to trade everything I took to the change room for smaller sizes
- I can feel bones and muscles under my skin, it's weird and wonderful all at the same time!

It's been good to see the changes in myself as the months go by, but to put my hands on my hips, legs or shoulders and be surprised at what I feel is awesome, I had no idea how good that would feel and it encourages me to keep going in the right direction.  And so I shall.

100 lbs!

Yay, I finally did it!  I reached 100 lbs lost today :)

I still have a lot of jiggly parts...so many...but it's a good milestone.  (Other than wishing I had never put myself in the position of needing to lose that much weight of course.)

85 lbs left to go...that doesn't sound so unreachable anymore.  As I lose weight I am of course burning less calories in the same time, the downfall of being in better shape, so to speak, lol.  But I keep reminding myself that the lbs are worth more now.  When I was over 300 lbs and lost 20 lbs, you could hardly notice.  Now that I am 235 lbs, losing 20 lbs will be much more noticeable.  So yay for that!

When I lose another 36 lbs I will finally be under 200 lbs, that sounds absolutely incredible to me.  I don't think I can lose that much by the end of the year but perhaps it would be a nice birthday present to myself.  But that would be over 7 lbs a month during the winter months...might be a stretch but it's good to know that by my 41st birthday I will at least be close to that goal.

My closet is very sad right now.  I have hardly any clothes to wear.  Must shop soon, I have no choice.  It's getting colder out and I only have 1 pair of jeans...no other pants at all, that's not gonna work, lol.

A coworker recently said to me that I must love looking in the mirror now and I was shocked, because it couldn't be further from the truth, I still hate the mirror!  Especially having my picture taken!  But...I'm gonna work on that because I think that is a self-destructive behavior that I need to get rid of.  

Regarding the visit from my brother...overall it was good.  We had a lot of fun.  Him and I did discuss briefly what happened to me.  That was incredibly awkward, for both of us, but he was the one who brought it up the first time we had some time alone so that made me happy.  He is still processing and I know that I need to give him time to do that.  I told him that if he wanted to tell other people in his life (his wife, etc.) that he should go ahead.  I also told him it would be my preference if he drove over him with a golf cart or something.  Initially he seemed to think that this just meant he wouldn't ever tell me when he was golfing with him.  I told him I didn't like that.  I think that with time he will find that perhaps that just isn't possible.  Of course I wanted him to tell me that he would never see him again, but that would mean having to pretty much tell everyone in his life why and I get that he wasn't ready to do that yet.  But he may get there.  For now, golf season is over and I think him and I will discuss this more again in the future.

I am glad I told him, I got to the point where I had no choice.  He's an important person in my life and I don't want to lose him.  So I am going to be patient and see where we end up.  I've known about this for all my life and I am still learning how to deal with it so I am prepared to be patient while he tries to figure it out as well.

Went to a party on the weekend and had a lot of fun, we hadn't done that for a long time, especially with people that weren't family.  They were mostly friends of my one sister, so she was there, but she ended up having to leave early so I thought we would too, but we ended up having fun dancing and socializing so we stayed until it was over.   Even sang happy birthday after inhaling helium lol.  Had a bit of a headache the next day but it didn't last so it wasn't too bad.  I'm too old to handle being hungover, lol.

Where I Am

So, sometimes it bothers me when people don't blog for a long time and yet here I am, it's taken me forever.  But I think about it lots, does that count?

Anyway, right now I am pretty good.  I have a few things to update you on.

First of all, in my last post I mentioned that my appointment for my breast reduction consultation was days away.  After waiting a long time to get an appointment and then waiting for the appointment to arrive, then driving all the way to another city it was quite disappointing.  I gained information, but was that worth the humiliation of standing in front of a stranger topless while he touched and measured my breasts?  Not sure about that yet.

The bottom line is that my BMI is too high so he doesn't consider me a good candidate at the moment.  If I lose another 50 lbs I can go back and see him again.  I get that, it makes sense to me that he thinks I need to be healthier to go through the surgery, I think the part that bothers me is that when my doctor suggested that I look into this I specifically asked him if I needed to lose more weight before I could do it and he said no, it would be beneficial for me to do it now.  So...that sucked.  I was upset after my appointment, seemed like a complete waste of a day and money to go there, but I guess I am glad I at least checked it out and have more information now.  With some of the risks he discussed I am not even sure I will go ahead when I get down to the appropriate weight, but I haven't ruled it out.  I will see how I am when I get there. 

In another of my posts I discussed me finally telling my brother what happened to me when I was a child.  That has been causing me a fair amount of stress, including me cancelling my trip to see him because I couldn't handle it (I didn't tell him that).  He is coming to visit in a couple of weeks so I have been worried about that as we are supposed to Talk About It.  I was texting with him the other night asking him what his plans were, when he was coming and going, etc. and in the course of the convo he told me that he would be golfing with his wife's brother again while he was here.  Well, that kind of sent me cause that's who he golfs with when he golfs with the person I don't want him to see.  So I didn't answer his text when he told me that and about an hour later he asked me how come I didn't respond.  I had to ask.  I didn't want to but I had to.  So I asked if he was going to golf with him again.  And then I cried while I waited for his answer.  My husband looks over and sees me crying (out of the blue to him as he didn't know I was texting my brother) and I explained what was going on.   I was so scared to get his answer.  When it came it just said "no".  So I cried again.  I said "Thanks.  Sorry, but I had to ask."  I hate saying sorry about something like that but the reality is I didn't have the faith in him to just know that he would do what I needed to him to do which was basically choose me.  His response was "Wasn't an option".   That was a lot of weight off of me but I am still worried about talking to him about it.  And I still hate that I had to put him in this position as I have no idea what he will say to his brother in law to make it clear that he won't golf with the other guy.  I don't even know if he has told his wife or not.  Anyway, perhaps I will find that out soon enough.

Other than that I have been having a pretty good summer.  I am on the end of just over 2 weeks of holidays and they have been great.  My husband and I both had the first week off and we did lots of golfing and even got to go to Edmonton to see a Rider game.  We lost :( boo.  But it was a lot of fun and I got to visit with my niece, which was wonderful.   Though my niece and I commiserated over the fact that Ayla wasn't there (perhaps even called her a name or two, out of love of course lol).  I miss Ayla a lot. 

My husband and I have been having a run of bad luck.  For instance, somethings that have occurred over the past month or so:

- My Tivo spontaneously died

- Had to pay to get our "maintenance free" siding fixed on the house

- Had to pay to have our air conditioning fixed for the 5th year in a row (reduced but still, every year??)

- Had to pay our deductible to get the windshield replaced on our SUV

- Had to replace our 46" TV in our living room when it spontaneously got rainbow colored vertical lines across the whole screen.  Pretty but no picture anymore and costs way too much to fix.

We seriously need to stop vowing to spend less money, every time we do the universe laughs at us.

Some good things that have happened to me:

- I am continuing to lose weight and get healthier

- I bought a couple extra large clothing items at Costco and though they are a bit snug they are wearable.

- I bought an extra large skort from Golf Town and it fits loosely (it's very stretchy so most would not fit me that way)

Those things are going to continue to get better.  Which is fantastic and likely also means I will spend more money on clothes because I have never had the option before!

Tuesday I am back to work.  Ugh.  Guess it will be good to get back into a routine.

That's where I am right now.

L.

Quick Update

Just a quick update:

I lost 2 more lbs this week bringing me to a total of 86 lbs lost...more significantly bringing me to 99 lbs left to lose...less than 100!

Next goal is to have less to lose than what I have already lost (7 more lbs), quickly followed by hitting the 100 lbs lost mark (14 more lbs).

It's Monday...my appointment is finally this Friday.  I felt like it would never get here and in some ways it still doesn't seem real.  I can't wait.

:)

Silence...not always golden

I am a person who loves peace and quiet, but not hearing at all from my brother since the big reveal has been awful and disappointing.  In the end it has lead me to cancel our vacation we were going to take in August to meet him to golf in Alberta.  I made up an excuse, but the reality was that I didn't want to drive 6 or 7 hours to see him, finally have a conversation about what I told him and then end up immediately wanting to leave.  It upset me more than I thought it would when I told him we couldn't go.  I think because I am disappointed in him, I expected more from him.  Any maybe I should cut him some slack, I get that this is far from easy to talk about, but still. 

Anyway, that's done and it did relieve some stress for me.  He says he will be visiting in September so I guess we'll see if we talk about it then.  For now I will just try not to think about it.

Finally we are getting some hot weather, yay!  I am so tired of rain, it's so depressing.  And this week is especially hot so that's awesome.  Other than me having a headache for the past 4 days, that's not so awesome.  Feeling a bit better today so I hope I'm done with that again.  Despite not feeling great my husband and I did go golfing on Sunday, it was so beautiful outside.  We walked 18 holes and the course was actually quite quiet, it really was great.

Less than 3 weeks until my appointment now... very excited and nervous!

By the way, my husband just said to me "hey, I'm finally back over 130 lbs, yay!"....hate that guy sometimes...

Secrets

Yesterday I told my husband that I thought that as I was getting older I was handling stress differently.  Before stress was a feeling, now it's physical.  I feel it in my stomach immediately and I hate it. 

This was a very tough weekend.  If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young.  I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did.  It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting.  He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother.  I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget.  So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again.  Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was.  He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be.  We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him.  I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out.  He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age.  We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.

Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.

I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle.  He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but  I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there.  I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later.  So...okay...I guess.  The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law.  We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course.  For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf.  It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant.  He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.

Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :(  I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart.  I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him.  Truth is I have no idea.  And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after.  I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off.  I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways.  I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.

Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word.  We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not.  If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point?  I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.

I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that.  It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever.  I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.

I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that.  But other than that this was an awful weekend :( 

Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.