Secrets

Yesterday I told my husband that I thought that as I was getting older I was handling stress differently.  Before stress was a feeling, now it's physical.  I feel it in my stomach immediately and I hate it. 

This was a very tough weekend.  If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young.  I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did.  It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting.  He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother.  I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget.  So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again.  Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was.  He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be.  We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him.  I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out.  He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age.  We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.

Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.

I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle.  He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but  I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there.  I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later.  So...okay...I guess.  The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law.  We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course.  For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf.  It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant.  He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.

Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :(  I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart.  I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him.  Truth is I have no idea.  And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after.  I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off.  I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways.  I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.

Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word.  We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not.  If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point?  I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.

I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that.  It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever.  I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.

I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that.  But other than that this was an awful weekend :( 

Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.

FINALLY!!

Patience is definitely a virtue that I have little of, lol.  But I have been trying very hard and mostly because I had no choice, it has worked.  I posted quite a while ago that my doctor was referring me for a breast reduction consultation and then I waited and waited and waited.  I actually could even forget about it every now and then.  Anyway...I finally got the call.

My appointment is on July 27th and I am so excited and nervous!  It's a male doctor :( but I was pretty sure it would be.  I looked him up on RateMDs.com and he didn't have many comments, was rated 3.8/5 and none of the comments were about this kind of surgery.  In an effort not to freak myself out further, I am going to decline to do any more research.  Or try to...

Tomorrow I am going to see my favorite person.  She owns two of my other favorite people and they are moving away soon.  I'm gonna miss them like crazy.  I think we are a lot alike (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying that).  Both of us were hoping to spend more time together, not less, but this is for their family so I hope it works out.  For like a year and then she can come back, right Ayla?!?! lol 

Milestone

I had a great week this past week.  I got lots of exercise, did a ton of walking - either golfing, walking home from work or taking Tiger to the dog park, and when I couldn't do that I used my treadmill.  I feel great and I finally had more than a 1 lb loss, it feels like forever.  I lost 4 lbs this week bringing me to 75 lbs lost.  That's amazing to me in both a good and bad way.  It's embarrassing to have lost that much weight and still have so much more to lose!  But it is what it is and I will try to ignore that part of it and just be proud of what I have accomplished.

I can see more changes in my body, that part is always fun.  I can see a difference in my face/neck, and all over I guess.  I think I am losing it the slowest in my stomach though, which kind of drives me crazy.  But it's also fun going through my closet, compared to before, there's really not that much left in there and I am quite often tossing things out of it because they either no longer fit or I just know I won't wear it anyway.  So I have lots of room in there for a someday shopping spree, lol.  I do have some smaller things in there that I also keep trying on, they are goals for me.  In particular golf clothes I have purchased from TPC Scottsdale in Phoenix over the past couple of years, I can't wait to wear those!  Not sure if I will be able to get into them this summer or not, I am a ways from fitting into them.

I am afraid this process is hard for my husband.  I am being selfish, I am focusing on me and I get that it's hard for him.  A while ago I told him what my actual weight was and he had no idea, I asked him to guess and he was way off, he was quite surprised to hear that my highest weight was 335 lbs.  I hoped that would help him see that I am not just trying to lose weight, I am trying to save my life, and I think he gets that to some degree, as much as he is capable.  The other day I compared it to sex.  I asked him how many times a day he thinks about sex, he said all the time, probably 40 or 50 times a day (seriously, how do they get any work done??  So glad I am female).  I told him that for as much as he thinks about sex, that's how much I am thinking about food and eating.  Every time I eat something, I am always thinking ahead to the next thing I get to eat.  Always.  That's why it helps me to use MFP to map out my days, then the thinking is contained instead of free roaming, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I find that some days I can look behind me and see all the progress that I have made...75 lbs!...and it's fantastic.  Other days I look ahead and I see all the work I have left to do...110 lbs left...and it's overwhelming.  I look forward to when the road behind is longer than the road ahead, I think that will help.  And when I look at it that way, I am really not that far off from that, another 17.5 lbs and I will be halfway done, then the number left to lose will always be smaller than what I have already lost.  Hallelujah!