That's a big question, one that I have been asked a few times. People who know me know that I have struggled with my weight my whole life, probably since I was about 12 or 13 years old. So after struggling for 28 years or so...why was I now able to lose as much weight as I have? That's a good question.
I have thought about it a lot, starting last September when I told my brother that I lost 90 lbs and he asked me, why now? At that time I said I thought it was because I turned 40 and decided enough was enough. I wanted to be 40 and fabulous, not 40 and fat. But while that was my answer at the time, I couldn't stop thinking about the question because it's not like I hadn't had many other "enough is enough" moments in my life over the last 28 years. So what was it really? I feel like it's important for me to know the answer otherwise I may not finish what I have started or I may end up back where I was. But it's not a simple answer, I think it's a few things combined that somehow just made it all work.
I've lost weight before, over 50 lbs at one point, that was when I was on Weight Watchers. And at that time I felt good, thought I was on the right track, finally. But that was quite a few years ago and I gained all that back. I did start losing weight again using Weight Watchers but it was hard and slow. It wasn't quite "right".
I did mean what I said about turning 40, that definitely played a role in my motivation. I did NOT want to be 40, that's old! I already felt older than my years all through my 20s and 30s, it was only going to get worse when I turned 40. But there I was at work, surrounded by people older than me who were healthy and happy, regardless of their age. I wanted that to be me. I knew if I could do that then I could handle being 40. So that was part of it.
After much thought though, I think two of the other biggest things that have made this work came from one very important person in my life. Ayla. I don't think either one of us knew what that was going to mean for me, but there was two things that she was doing that she talked me into doing and I truly believe that neither one of us knew exactly how much those two things would help me, help motivate me, help EDUCATE me.
The first thing was telling me about the My Fitness Pal website. At first I registered and looked around, but I felt like I was starting over and I didn't stick with it. It wasn't until months later when I went back and took another look at it that I finally stuck with it. And very quickly I felt like I knew more about what I was eating than I ever did. Weight Watchers is good in ways, it does help you know your limits in how much you should eat, but by putting everything into points, it takes away the rest of the information about the food. One of the very first things I discovered was that while I was easily staying within my points limits on WW, I was eating more than twice the daily salt I should have been, that was shocking to me. I was easily able to manage that by simply switching from eating extra lean ham to eating lean turkey. But WW was never going to show me that. That was the beginning with MFP and I have loved it ever since. It's not just the calories, fat, fibre, sugar, protein or whatever, it's ALL of it. MFP showed me that. I feel educated about food and about what I am fueling my body with.
The second thing was Ayla kept telling me about her heart rate monitor she was using. One day I finally decided I needed to get one, so my husband went to a couple of different places for me and finally got me the same one Ayla had. That was the second half of me being educated. So MFP helps me track what calories I put into my body and the HRM tells me what I am burning. How could I possibly go wrong? I have all of the information now. I can't lie to myself about what I am eating because I know. So when I eat something not good for me, it's done knowingly and with thought, because I can't pretend anymore. And I do still eat things that aren't good for me, but I plan for them and they are the exception, not the rule. And suddenly you can be losing weight, being healthier and still eating all the things you want. Because when you truly get your mind wrapped around what it means to be good to your body, then you don't want the crap as much as you used to. That's how it has worked for me anyway. When you really know what it takes to burn 500 calories, then the last thing you want to do is to eat 500 calories in some small thing loaded with them and you can eat in just a few bites. Yeah, it tastes good for a minute or two, but then you are done and now what? Are you still happy? Are you helping yourself be healthy? Are you being a good role model for those around you? ARE YOU MAKING YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF? That's a big one for me. We might have things we want to prove to other people, but at the end of the day, are you proud of yourself and the choices you made? Often when I am out walking I feel proud. The weather might be crappy or my legs might already be sore, but I am out there doing what I need to do to take care of my body. I love to eat. So I need to burn calories so I can not feel like I am starving myself and still be losing weight at a healthy level. And walking is so EASY. You just go. I am lucky, I love walking outside, I often tell myself that I have a membership to the outdoors now, lol.
And that brings me to the final thing that I think has made the difference for me. Through all of these years, how on earth could I forget how much I loved walking outside? As a child living an unhappy childhood in a small town, that was my escape. I would put in my walkman and just walk to fast music all around town. Even when I moved to the city, I still walked. I didn't have my own transportation so when I was in University I walked to and from when I could. Back then I wasn't even trying to lose weight but I was and I didn't know it. A stranger came up to me months later and said she didn't know me but always saw me on campus and wanted to tell me that I looked great. It was a shock, I had no idea. That was from walking. And then I met my husband. He doesn't walk anywhere, has really no desire to. I get it, it's my fault, I let him change me. But he did change me. That's where the walking disappeared. It took me a lot of years, but I finally have it back and I will never let it go again. NEVER. That will save me.
There's no going back now. I know too much. There may have been many reasons through the years that I ate myself into being 335 lbs (or higher, who knows) but none of that matters now. Because I will always have life struggles, but I can handle them much better as a healthy person.
So Ayla, truly, from the bottom of my healthier heart, thank you. You didn't know, but you saved me. That's why I have to do whatever I can to help you. And I will. The only thing that will make me happier than losing weight has will be you doing the same thing and getting to feel all of the things I am feeling. Plus...you moved far away from me because you wanted a healthier lifestyle for your family, so you damn well better start living one or move back here to be closer to me, lol.
I know my journey isn't over yet. I still have a lot of work to do, still have about 58 lbs to lose, but man, that sounds like peanuts compared to the 185 lbs I started with needing to lose. And golfing season will start soon...there is absolutely no better walking than walking an 18 hole golf course, no matter what my score is, lol.
I am super proud of myself for still managing to walk almost all the way through this cold Saskatchewan winter, but I did it and it wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it could be. There is a whole community of people out there doing it and I love feeling like I am part of it. A man introduced himself to me on the path I walk downtown at lunch everyday and that made me so happy, I am meeting other people who are crazy enough to be out there on the path in -30 temperatures and it feels great. I might be crazy but I am not alone, lol. So I also thank Fred for introducing himself to me and making me feel like I am a part of something bigger.
I am excited that spring isn't too far off, then summer and fall. So much great walking weather. But now I know that the weather doesn't matter, I can walk all damn year, even in Saskatchewan! So bring it on, I'm ready!
L.
