Well, finally for your viewing pleasure (because it certainly isn't mine!) I have posted a bunch of pictures of myself. I guess it was a good thing to sit and look back over the pictures, man, the older ones are atrocious. There's really no other word.
I'm still doing well. Today I walked/ran in the CIBC Run for the Cure 5K, it was a great experience.
I have noticed a few things making me happy these days :) like:
- my puppy fits on my lap
- I went shopping and had to trade everything I took to the change room for smaller sizes
- I can feel bones and muscles under my skin, it's weird and wonderful all at the same time!
It's been good to see the changes in myself as the months go by, but to put my hands on my hips, legs or shoulders and be surprised at what I feel is awesome, I had no idea how good that would feel and it encourages me to keep going in the right direction. And so I shall.
Sunday, 30 September 2012
Monday, 17 September 2012
100 lbs!
Yay, I finally did it! I reached 100 lbs lost today :)
I still have a lot of jiggly parts...so many...but it's a good milestone. (Other than wishing I had never put myself in the position of needing to lose that much weight of course.)
85 lbs left to go...that doesn't sound so unreachable anymore. As I lose weight I am of course burning less calories in the same time, the downfall of being in better shape, so to speak, lol. But I keep reminding myself that the lbs are worth more now. When I was over 300 lbs and lost 20 lbs, you could hardly notice. Now that I am 235 lbs, losing 20 lbs will be much more noticeable. So yay for that!
When I lose another 36 lbs I will finally be under 200 lbs, that sounds absolutely incredible to me. I don't think I can lose that much by the end of the year but perhaps it would be a nice birthday present to myself. But that would be over 7 lbs a month during the winter months...might be a stretch but it's good to know that by my 41st birthday I will at least be close to that goal.
My closet is very sad right now. I have hardly any clothes to wear. Must shop soon, I have no choice. It's getting colder out and I only have 1 pair of jeans...no other pants at all, that's not gonna work, lol.
A coworker recently said to me that I must love looking in the mirror now and I was shocked, because it couldn't be further from the truth, I still hate the mirror! Especially having my picture taken! But...I'm gonna work on that because I think that is a self-destructive behavior that I need to get rid of.
Regarding the visit from my brother...overall it was good. We had a lot of fun. Him and I did discuss briefly what happened to me. That was incredibly awkward, for both of us, but he was the one who brought it up the first time we had some time alone so that made me happy. He is still processing and I know that I need to give him time to do that. I told him that if he wanted to tell other people in his life (his wife, etc.) that he should go ahead. I also told him it would be my preference if he drove over him with a golf cart or something. Initially he seemed to think that this just meant he wouldn't ever tell me when he was golfing with him. I told him I didn't like that. I think that with time he will find that perhaps that just isn't possible. Of course I wanted him to tell me that he would never see him again, but that would mean having to pretty much tell everyone in his life why and I get that he wasn't ready to do that yet. But he may get there. For now, golf season is over and I think him and I will discuss this more again in the future.
I am glad I told him, I got to the point where I had no choice. He's an important person in my life and I don't want to lose him. So I am going to be patient and see where we end up. I've known about this for all my life and I am still learning how to deal with it so I am prepared to be patient while he tries to figure it out as well.
Went to a party on the weekend and had a lot of fun, we hadn't done that for a long time, especially with people that weren't family. They were mostly friends of my one sister, so she was there, but she ended up having to leave early so I thought we would too, but we ended up having fun dancing and socializing so we stayed until it was over. Even sang happy birthday after inhaling helium lol. Had a bit of a headache the next day but it didn't last so it wasn't too bad. I'm too old to handle being hungover, lol.
I still have a lot of jiggly parts...so many...but it's a good milestone. (Other than wishing I had never put myself in the position of needing to lose that much weight of course.)
85 lbs left to go...that doesn't sound so unreachable anymore. As I lose weight I am of course burning less calories in the same time, the downfall of being in better shape, so to speak, lol. But I keep reminding myself that the lbs are worth more now. When I was over 300 lbs and lost 20 lbs, you could hardly notice. Now that I am 235 lbs, losing 20 lbs will be much more noticeable. So yay for that!
When I lose another 36 lbs I will finally be under 200 lbs, that sounds absolutely incredible to me. I don't think I can lose that much by the end of the year but perhaps it would be a nice birthday present to myself. But that would be over 7 lbs a month during the winter months...might be a stretch but it's good to know that by my 41st birthday I will at least be close to that goal.
My closet is very sad right now. I have hardly any clothes to wear. Must shop soon, I have no choice. It's getting colder out and I only have 1 pair of jeans...no other pants at all, that's not gonna work, lol.
A coworker recently said to me that I must love looking in the mirror now and I was shocked, because it couldn't be further from the truth, I still hate the mirror! Especially having my picture taken! But...I'm gonna work on that because I think that is a self-destructive behavior that I need to get rid of.
Regarding the visit from my brother...overall it was good. We had a lot of fun. Him and I did discuss briefly what happened to me. That was incredibly awkward, for both of us, but he was the one who brought it up the first time we had some time alone so that made me happy. He is still processing and I know that I need to give him time to do that. I told him that if he wanted to tell other people in his life (his wife, etc.) that he should go ahead. I also told him it would be my preference if he drove over him with a golf cart or something. Initially he seemed to think that this just meant he wouldn't ever tell me when he was golfing with him. I told him I didn't like that. I think that with time he will find that perhaps that just isn't possible. Of course I wanted him to tell me that he would never see him again, but that would mean having to pretty much tell everyone in his life why and I get that he wasn't ready to do that yet. But he may get there. For now, golf season is over and I think him and I will discuss this more again in the future.
I am glad I told him, I got to the point where I had no choice. He's an important person in my life and I don't want to lose him. So I am going to be patient and see where we end up. I've known about this for all my life and I am still learning how to deal with it so I am prepared to be patient while he tries to figure it out as well.
Went to a party on the weekend and had a lot of fun, we hadn't done that for a long time, especially with people that weren't family. They were mostly friends of my one sister, so she was there, but she ended up having to leave early so I thought we would too, but we ended up having fun dancing and socializing so we stayed until it was over. Even sang happy birthday after inhaling helium lol. Had a bit of a headache the next day but it didn't last so it wasn't too bad. I'm too old to handle being hungover, lol.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Where I Am
So, sometimes it bothers me when people don't blog for a long time and yet here I am, it's taken me forever. But I think about it lots, does that count?
Anyway, right now I am pretty good. I have a few things to update you on.
First of all, in my last post I mentioned that my appointment for my breast reduction consultation was days away. After waiting a long time to get an appointment and then waiting for the appointment to arrive, then driving all the way to another city it was quite disappointing. I gained information, but was that worth the humiliation of standing in front of a stranger topless while he touched and measured my breasts? Not sure about that yet.
The bottom line is that my BMI is too high so he doesn't consider me a good candidate at the moment. If I lose another 50 lbs I can go back and see him again. I get that, it makes sense to me that he thinks I need to be healthier to go through the surgery, I think the part that bothers me is that when my doctor suggested that I look into this I specifically asked him if I needed to lose more weight before I could do it and he said no, it would be beneficial for me to do it now. So...that sucked. I was upset after my appointment, seemed like a complete waste of a day and money to go there, but I guess I am glad I at least checked it out and have more information now. With some of the risks he discussed I am not even sure I will go ahead when I get down to the appropriate weight, but I haven't ruled it out. I will see how I am when I get there.
In another of my posts I discussed me finally telling my brother what happened to me when I was a child. That has been causing me a fair amount of stress, including me cancelling my trip to see him because I couldn't handle it (I didn't tell him that). He is coming to visit in a couple of weeks so I have been worried about that as we are supposed to Talk About It. I was texting with him the other night asking him what his plans were, when he was coming and going, etc. and in the course of the convo he told me that he would be golfing with his wife's brother again while he was here. Well, that kind of sent me cause that's who he golfs with when he golfs with the person I don't want him to see. So I didn't answer his text when he told me that and about an hour later he asked me how come I didn't respond. I had to ask. I didn't want to but I had to. So I asked if he was going to golf with him again. And then I cried while I waited for his answer. My husband looks over and sees me crying (out of the blue to him as he didn't know I was texting my brother) and I explained what was going on. I was so scared to get his answer. When it came it just said "no". So I cried again. I said "Thanks. Sorry, but I had to ask." I hate saying sorry about something like that but the reality is I didn't have the faith in him to just know that he would do what I needed to him to do which was basically choose me. His response was "Wasn't an option". That was a lot of weight off of me but I am still worried about talking to him about it. And I still hate that I had to put him in this position as I have no idea what he will say to his brother in law to make it clear that he won't golf with the other guy. I don't even know if he has told his wife or not. Anyway, perhaps I will find that out soon enough.
Other than that I have been having a pretty good summer. I am on the end of just over 2 weeks of holidays and they have been great. My husband and I both had the first week off and we did lots of golfing and even got to go to Edmonton to see a Rider game. We lost :( boo. But it was a lot of fun and I got to visit with my niece, which was wonderful. Though my niece and I commiserated over the fact that Ayla wasn't there (perhaps even called her a name or two, out of love of course lol). I miss Ayla a lot.
My husband and I have been having a run of bad luck. For instance, somethings that have occurred over the past month or so:
- My Tivo spontaneously died
- Had to pay to get our "maintenance free" siding fixed on the house
- Had to pay to have our air conditioning fixed for the 5th year in a row (reduced but still, every year??)
- Had to pay our deductible to get the windshield replaced on our SUV
- Had to replace our 46" TV in our living room when it spontaneously got rainbow colored vertical lines across the whole screen. Pretty but no picture anymore and costs way too much to fix.
We seriously need to stop vowing to spend less money, every time we do the universe laughs at us.
Some good things that have happened to me:
- I am continuing to lose weight and get healthier
- I bought a couple extra large clothing items at Costco and though they are a bit snug they are wearable.
- I bought an extra large skort from Golf Town and it fits loosely (it's very stretchy so most would not fit me that way)
Those things are going to continue to get better. Which is fantastic and likely also means I will spend more money on clothes because I have never had the option before!
Tuesday I am back to work. Ugh. Guess it will be good to get back into a routine.
That's where I am right now.
Monday, 23 July 2012
Quick Update
Just a quick update:
I lost 2 more lbs this week bringing me to a total of 86 lbs lost...more significantly bringing me to 99 lbs left to lose...less than 100!
Next goal is to have less to lose than what I have already lost (7 more lbs), quickly followed by hitting the 100 lbs lost mark (14 more lbs).
It's Monday...my appointment is finally this Friday. I felt like it would never get here and in some ways it still doesn't seem real. I can't wait.
:)
I lost 2 more lbs this week bringing me to a total of 86 lbs lost...more significantly bringing me to 99 lbs left to lose...less than 100!
Next goal is to have less to lose than what I have already lost (7 more lbs), quickly followed by hitting the 100 lbs lost mark (14 more lbs).
It's Monday...my appointment is finally this Friday. I felt like it would never get here and in some ways it still doesn't seem real. I can't wait.
:)
Monday, 9 July 2012
Silence...not always golden
I am a person who loves peace and quiet, but not hearing at all from my brother since the big reveal has been awful and disappointing. In the end it has lead me to cancel our vacation we were going to take in August to meet him to golf in Alberta. I made up an excuse, but the reality was that I didn't want to drive 6 or 7 hours to see him, finally have a conversation about what I told him and then end up immediately wanting to leave. It upset me more than I thought it would when I told him we couldn't go. I think because I am disappointed in him, I expected more from him. Any maybe I should cut him some slack, I get that this is far from easy to talk about, but still.
Anyway, that's done and it did relieve some stress for me. He says he will be visiting in September so I guess we'll see if we talk about it then. For now I will just try not to think about it.
Finally we are getting some hot weather, yay! I am so tired of rain, it's so depressing. And this week is especially hot so that's awesome. Other than me having a headache for the past 4 days, that's not so awesome. Feeling a bit better today so I hope I'm done with that again. Despite not feeling great my husband and I did go golfing on Sunday, it was so beautiful outside. We walked 18 holes and the course was actually quite quiet, it really was great.
Less than 3 weeks until my appointment now... very excited and nervous!
By the way, my husband just said to me "hey, I'm finally back over 130 lbs, yay!"....hate that guy sometimes...
Anyway, that's done and it did relieve some stress for me. He says he will be visiting in September so I guess we'll see if we talk about it then. For now I will just try not to think about it.
Finally we are getting some hot weather, yay! I am so tired of rain, it's so depressing. And this week is especially hot so that's awesome. Other than me having a headache for the past 4 days, that's not so awesome. Feeling a bit better today so I hope I'm done with that again. Despite not feeling great my husband and I did go golfing on Sunday, it was so beautiful outside. We walked 18 holes and the course was actually quite quiet, it really was great.
Less than 3 weeks until my appointment now... very excited and nervous!
By the way, my husband just said to me "hey, I'm finally back over 130 lbs, yay!"....hate that guy sometimes...
Sunday, 24 June 2012
Secrets
Yesterday I told my husband that I thought that as I was getting older I was handling stress differently. Before stress was a feeling, now it's physical. I feel it in my stomach immediately and I hate it.
This was a very tough weekend. If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young. I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did. It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting. He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother. I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget. So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again. Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was. He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be. We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him. I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out. He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age. We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.
Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.
I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle. He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink. That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there. I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later. So...okay...I guess. The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law. We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course. For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf. It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant. He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.
Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :( I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart. I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him. Truth is I have no idea. And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after. I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off. I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways. I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.
Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word. We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not. If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point? I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.
I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that. It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever. I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.
I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that. But other than that this was an awful weekend :(
Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.
This was a very tough weekend. If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young. I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did. It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting. He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother. I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget. So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again. Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was. He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be. We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him. I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out. He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age. We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.
Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.
I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle. He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink. That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there. I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later. So...okay...I guess. The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law. We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course. For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf. It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant. He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.
Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :( I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart. I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him. Truth is I have no idea. And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after. I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off. I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways. I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.
Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word. We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not. If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point? I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.
I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that. It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever. I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.
I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that. But other than that this was an awful weekend :(
Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.
Thursday, 7 June 2012
FINALLY!!
Patience is definitely a virtue that I have little of, lol. But I have been trying very hard and mostly because I had no choice, it has worked. I posted quite a while ago that my doctor was referring me for a breast reduction consultation and then I waited and waited and waited. I actually could even forget about it every now and then. Anyway...I finally got the call.
My appointment is on July 27th and I am so excited and nervous! It's a male doctor :( but I was pretty sure it would be. I looked him up on RateMDs.com and he didn't have many comments, was rated 3.8/5 and none of the comments were about this kind of surgery. In an effort not to freak myself out further, I am going to decline to do any more research. Or try to...
Tomorrow I am going to see my favorite person. She owns two of my other favorite people and they are moving away soon. I'm gonna miss them like crazy. I think we are a lot alike (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying that). Both of us were hoping to spend more time together, not less, but this is for their family so I hope it works out. For like a year and then she can come back, right Ayla?!?! lol
My appointment is on July 27th and I am so excited and nervous! It's a male doctor :( but I was pretty sure it would be. I looked him up on RateMDs.com and he didn't have many comments, was rated 3.8/5 and none of the comments were about this kind of surgery. In an effort not to freak myself out further, I am going to decline to do any more research. Or try to...
Tomorrow I am going to see my favorite person. She owns two of my other favorite people and they are moving away soon. I'm gonna miss them like crazy. I think we are a lot alike (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying that). Both of us were hoping to spend more time together, not less, but this is for their family so I hope it works out. For like a year and then she can come back, right Ayla?!?! lol
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)