Secrets

Yesterday I told my husband that I thought that as I was getting older I was handling stress differently.  Before stress was a feeling, now it's physical.  I feel it in my stomach immediately and I hate it. 

This was a very tough weekend.  If you've read my "About Me" page then you know what happened to me when I was young.  I talk in there about my brother and wanting to tell him and finally this weekend I did.  It was incredibly scary and stressful and upsetting.  He was in town this weekend and was planning to golf with his wife's brother.  I knew all along there was a good chance the 4th person would be the person I wish to forget.  So for weeks I have been stressing about this, feeling like I should tell him already, having that guy show up at my house last summer...well that can just never happen again.  Friday night my brother texted me and wanted to meet for drinks after golf, I had no choice but to ask him who the 4th person golfing was.  He said he didn't know and when I asked him if it might be that guy, he said he didn't know but yeah, it could be.  We were on the phone, him at my parents house, me in my basement, and I finally just told him.  I was doing that awful awkward silence on the phone while I tried to control my crying, which I absolutely hate, so I finally just blurted it out.  He asked me who else knew and I told him our parents didn't know, just some of my sisters closer to my age.  We didn't talk about it much, it was awkward and I know that I shocked him and I hated doing it that way, but I just had to tell him already.

Thank goodness for Ayla, despite feeling worse than miserable from having her wisdom teeth pulled she was able to talk to me, there was no one else who could have helped me through that.

I knew it was a shock for him, that he would need some time to process, but I also knew that could be hard to handle.  He basically told me that he wouldn't know if he was golfing with that guy until they got to the golf course so we shouldn't meet for a drink.  That wasn't what I wanted to hear, I wanted to hear him say there was no way he would golf with him after what I told him...but  I also knew that would mean he would need to tell his wife and I wasn't sure where it would go from there.  I was upset to hear him say that but then he texted me and said that he was still in shock and we would talk about it later.  So...okay...I guess.  The next day I was out golfing with my husband and sister and he was going golfing with his wife and brother-in-law.  We were on the course when I got a text from him telling me that I made a good call going to a different golf course.  For some idiot reason I assumed he meant that because the course he was on was in so much worse shape than the one I was at, so I just responded chatting about golf.  It wasn't until a couple of hours later that I realized what he really meant.  He texted me before they teed off, that means he had no idea what the course was like...he was telling me there was a fourth person golfing with them and it was my rapist.

Through this time I am trying to talk to my husband some cause I am going insane and sometimes he is helpful and sometimes he is clueless :(  I texted Ayla and we agreed that it would be appropriate if my brother hit him with a club or golf cart.  I told myself that it was going to be very awkward and uncomfortable the whole time they were golfing and my brother would have a hard time being civil to him.  Truth is I have no idea.  And I don't know if they sat and had drinks or dinner after.  I said that to my husband and he told me that I should stop thinking about it cause I was driving myself crazy...thanks, it's really that simple to just shut that all off.  I told him if I was making him uncomfortable I would stop talking about it with him and I think he saw the error of his ways.  I remind myself that he is a man and doesn't think the same as me.

Anyway, I got up Sunday morning and was very out of sorts, I really thought I would hear from my brother again before he left town but I didn't hear a word.  We are supposed to go and visit him in August and now I have no idea if I can go or not.  If I go and find out that he is treating this as "my problem" then we will turn around and leave again so what is the point?  I guess before then I will have to have another conversation with him.

I was hoping that by finally telling him that I would be able to let go of some of this stress, but it's not working like that.  It's not done yet and the truth is I don't know if this is going to ruin our relationship forever.  I knew the risk in telling him, that he might choose to keep out of it because it's his wife's family, but if he does then I can't be okay with that.

I had a great time golfing on Saturday, we walked 18 holes again and I love that.  But other than that this was an awful weekend :( 

Sorry if this is convoluted but my stomach hurts and I really don't feel like proofreading this before I post.

FINALLY!!

Patience is definitely a virtue that I have little of, lol.  But I have been trying very hard and mostly because I had no choice, it has worked.  I posted quite a while ago that my doctor was referring me for a breast reduction consultation and then I waited and waited and waited.  I actually could even forget about it every now and then.  Anyway...I finally got the call.

My appointment is on July 27th and I am so excited and nervous!  It's a male doctor :( but I was pretty sure it would be.  I looked him up on RateMDs.com and he didn't have many comments, was rated 3.8/5 and none of the comments were about this kind of surgery.  In an effort not to freak myself out further, I am going to decline to do any more research.  Or try to...

Tomorrow I am going to see my favorite person.  She owns two of my other favorite people and they are moving away soon.  I'm gonna miss them like crazy.  I think we are a lot alike (and I hope she doesn't mind me saying that).  Both of us were hoping to spend more time together, not less, but this is for their family so I hope it works out.  For like a year and then she can come back, right Ayla?!?! lol 

Milestone

I had a great week this past week.  I got lots of exercise, did a ton of walking - either golfing, walking home from work or taking Tiger to the dog park, and when I couldn't do that I used my treadmill.  I feel great and I finally had more than a 1 lb loss, it feels like forever.  I lost 4 lbs this week bringing me to 75 lbs lost.  That's amazing to me in both a good and bad way.  It's embarrassing to have lost that much weight and still have so much more to lose!  But it is what it is and I will try to ignore that part of it and just be proud of what I have accomplished.

I can see more changes in my body, that part is always fun.  I can see a difference in my face/neck, and all over I guess.  I think I am losing it the slowest in my stomach though, which kind of drives me crazy.  But it's also fun going through my closet, compared to before, there's really not that much left in there and I am quite often tossing things out of it because they either no longer fit or I just know I won't wear it anyway.  So I have lots of room in there for a someday shopping spree, lol.  I do have some smaller things in there that I also keep trying on, they are goals for me.  In particular golf clothes I have purchased from TPC Scottsdale in Phoenix over the past couple of years, I can't wait to wear those!  Not sure if I will be able to get into them this summer or not, I am a ways from fitting into them.

I am afraid this process is hard for my husband.  I am being selfish, I am focusing on me and I get that it's hard for him.  A while ago I told him what my actual weight was and he had no idea, I asked him to guess and he was way off, he was quite surprised to hear that my highest weight was 335 lbs.  I hoped that would help him see that I am not just trying to lose weight, I am trying to save my life, and I think he gets that to some degree, as much as he is capable.  The other day I compared it to sex.  I asked him how many times a day he thinks about sex, he said all the time, probably 40 or 50 times a day (seriously, how do they get any work done??  So glad I am female).  I told him that for as much as he thinks about sex, that's how much I am thinking about food and eating.  Every time I eat something, I am always thinking ahead to the next thing I get to eat.  Always.  That's why it helps me to use MFP to map out my days, then the thinking is contained instead of free roaming, if that makes sense.

Anyway, I find that some days I can look behind me and see all the progress that I have made...75 lbs!...and it's fantastic.  Other days I look ahead and I see all the work I have left to do...110 lbs left...and it's overwhelming.  I look forward to when the road behind is longer than the road ahead, I think that will help.  And when I look at it that way, I am really not that far off from that, another 17.5 lbs and I will be halfway done, then the number left to lose will always be smaller than what I have already lost.  Hallelujah!

There and back again

So I've been to Arizona and am now back home again.  We went on Sunday, May 13th and returned on Friday, May 18th.  We has such beautiful weather the whole time!  Thank god I love the heat because it was +39 or +40 every single day.  I spent a lot of time just relaxing, laying in the sun, hanging out in the pool (and playing volleyball in there with my nephew) and having beverages :)  Our morning drink was champagne (a small amount), diet Minute Maid lemonade (a small amount to flavor) and diet 7-up - it was delicious and low fat.  In the evenings we would switch to vodka and diet pepsi.  But I ate really well the whole time and got some exercise everyday.  I can't sleep in when we are there, so I was up by at least 7:00 am everyday and would go for a walk around 8:00 am, carefully watching for any snakes or what have you, lol.  The streets there are so nice to walk and of course they are generally empty because by 8:00 am it's already nearing 30 degrees and most people are smart enough to stay in, lol.  The one day I didn't walk in the morning was because we were going to the Phoenix Zoo and we walked around there for 3.5 hours.  It was fantastic, I loved the whole time there and seeing so many different animals.  Here is a link to my album on Facebook if you are interested in seeing my pics:

Phoenix Zoo


Anyway, the trip was good (other than when people annoyed me, but when doesn't that happen? lol) and it's always nice to get home.


I am happy I was able to stay on track while I was away with my eating and exercising, now here's hoping the drinking didn't completely do me in!  I will be happy to stay even when I weigh in tomorrow.  But whatever it is it will be fine, I am so ready to keep going in the right direction that right now I can't see what could possibly derail me...did I just curse myself by saying that out loud?  Nah, lol.


Even though I don't really feel like it, I am off to work out - I really don't like when MFP doesn't show me having earned any exercise calories.  Tomorrow we are going golfing, I think we might walk 18 holes, so I certainly won't need to use my treadmill or bike.  I'm looking forward to it and hope I can last the whole time, I will be tired but that's okay, I just need my body to hold out.



I am currently nursing a sunburn but I can't really be sad about that, it just reminds me of how great the weather was, so let the peeling begin, lol.

Goodbye Weight Watchers

Okay, I am officially done paying for WW online.   Thanks to Ayla, I am finally loving My Fitness Pal.  I tried it last winter and for some reason didn't really care for it, I guess I felt like I was starting all over, having to enter a lot of the foods I eat, etc.  But when I went back in recently I suddenly didn't mind it and even had already put in most of the foods I needed.  And I was ready to stop looking at food as points and start seeing their whole value.  Now I am aware of what my daily intake for calories should be but also the same for fat, carbs, protein, fibre, sugar and sodium.  I had no idea how much salt was in the food I was eating!  I have eating twice as much as I should have been.  So in a couple of days I was able to change a few things I eat and suddenly I have having no trouble at all staying in my limits.  MFP even has a great iPad app...and it's all free!

So thanks Ayla :)

Using MFP made me quantify things in a way I never had before.  I knew what my highest weight was...I knew what my goal was...but I never looked at the difference between the two.  In all I need to lose 185 lbs...185 LBS!  Son of .... okay, that's okay.  The good news is that I am 69 lbs of the way there.  I can't wait for the day when I can say I have lost 100 lbs and I can't wait for the day when I have less than 100 lbs left to lose.  I have a lot of work to do but oddly enough it feels very attainable right now.  It won't be easy, but I will do it.

Working out has been great lately, my body likes me again! lol  I am not getting nearly as sore as I was, I can actually run two or three days in a row without losing the ability to walk, it's been so great.  And now that I have purchased a HRM I am getting a much clearer picture of the calories I am burning and that is awesome.  I am burning twice as much as my exercise equipment was telling me and that feels sooo much better.  

So thanks Ayla :)

We are leaving for Arizona on Sunday...only 6 sleeps :D I can't wait!

New Low

Yay, I finally did it...I reached a new low!  Since I restarted my battle in November 2009, my lowest weight was 269 lbs in November of 2010, as of today I weigh 268 lbs!  Now I feel like I can finally finally be working in the right direction again, I am not playing catch up, I am breaking new ground for myself.

Thank you Ayla for a fabulous weekend and an incredible workout and swim which I know made the difference for me this week.

Now, having said that, I do believe that many years ago (I'm not even sure when it was, maybe 2000) the very first time I ever tried Weight Watchers I did really well and though I don't remember exactly, I am pretty sure I got to 250 lbs, so when I get back there, that too will be incredible.  I plan to do that this summer :)

Visiting with Ayla this time I was 20 lbs less than when I visited in November and I sure could feel the difference.  And in just under 3 weeks I am going to Arizona and I am at least 20 lbs less than I was when we went last year.  I like knowing that and perhaps I will feel a difference in my comfort on the plane as well.   I can't wait to go.

By the way, I bought the most fabulous shoes right before I left Edmonton!  I have never spent $200 on a pair of shoes before (and likely shouldn't have this time) but I absolutely love them.   Actually, that's not entirely true, I did spend about the same on my new running shoes.  Here are both pairs.

And here were my backseat buddies this weekend :)

Today I am at home with my puppy.  He missed me like crazy for the 2 nights I was away, not sure how he's gonna handle the week in Arizona soon!  Poor guy.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Life :( and :)

I think I have been avoiding posting.  Life kind of went sideways at work for me and I've been very sad.  One of my co-workers died last week...she was the sweetest person ever.  Last year she was diagnosed with lung cancer from asbestos, it was a shock to her and all of us.  She went on sick leave and had chemo (it didn't work so they stopped), then had surgery to remove one of her lungs.  When she was recovered from that and radiation, she finally came back to work in November.  She looked fantastic!  And her treatment was very successful.  In March she came and told my boss and I that they found cancer in her other lung.  Seriously...we were so sad but she was so positive.  They had a treatment plan and it was all good.  She just left again on sick leave a couple of weeks ago.  I think she only had one chemo treatment, ended up with pneumonia and her remaining lung collapsed.  She hung on a couple more days and then that was it.  I know with everything I just said it sounds like it shouldn't have been a surprise but it truly was.  She has left a big hole here at work.  She worked here for over 20 years.  And in my role as administrator for the section so I had a few days that were quite difficult cause I wasn't able to stop thinking about her and focus on something else as it was my job to help get things in order, to draft the email to go out to all the staff letting them know that she had died, etc.  It's hard to see her empty workstation. At some point we will have to clean it out and perhaps let someone else sit there.  Too soon for that though. Anyway, the funeral was on Monday and a few days have gone past now so I feel more back to normal and I can finally tell the story without breaking down.  She will be missed.

I think because of that and it being my TOM I have been struggling with working out.  Haven't really done anything physical since Tiger and I went for a nice long walk to the dog park on the Saturday.  I have been eating okay though, so I am relieved about that.  Despite not being okay I haven't had any desire to sooth myself with food so that makes me happy.  And I am coming out on the other side and know things will get back to normal soon. 

Best news ever...I get to see Ayla this weekend!! :)  This started out as a super crappy week but is ending super awesome.  I can't wait to see her and the boys and Rob and to hang out and work out with them.  I will see them tomorrow...SO EXCITED!

I didn't lose any weight last week and feel like I likely won't this week either, but that's okay.  I'm okay.